Requirements to be a True Crazy Cat Lady

It’s not as simple as it seems, being a Crazy Cat Lady…

A lot of work goes into reaching true CCL status; you can’t just adopt a few cats and achieve this prestigious rank. Think of it as holding the position of Foster Mother to orphans but with a lot less paperwork!

Traits of an Established Crazy Cat Lady

Minimum Cat Requirements:

If your cat has a litter of 5 kittens, and you don’t adopt all of them out in a timely manner…you’re not a Crazy Cat Lady.

If you feed the neighborhood strays, and they tend to hang around but don’t come in and out of your home…you’re probably buying more cat food than people food, but you’re not a Crazy Cat Lady.

If you just couldn’t resist adopting that fourth abandoned kitty…you’re not certifiable as a CCL just yet.

See, you have to have enough cats to make the normal people (and the dog lovers…ick) raise an eyebrow, and they have to actually be your pets with names and a favorite spot to sleep. Usually an even dozen will do the trick!

Naming Standards:

The big one, the little one, the orange one, and the one that hates the mailman are not acceptable cat names for a true Crazy Cat Lady. Anything impersonal like a number, or calling them all Joe, doesn’t work either.

To be recognized as a CCL, all your cats must have well-thought out names that reflect their personalities or are in some way unique and special.
Just as a reference, here are a few of the names my beloveds have held over the years: RacerLite, UltraLite, Ghost, Darkness, Gizmo, Gizmo Two-Point-Oh, Pippa, The Glass-Eyed Kitty, Hallow’s Eve, Flint, Lexis, Aragorn, and Lolita.

Feline Familiarity:

You see, as a Crazy Cat Lady, you cannot just own a bunch of cats…you must love them, converse with them, and see them as the children you never had (or the children who actually visit). A True CCL can tell you about any of her familiars at the drop of a hat, and often without provocation.

You must know their favorite foods, the spot they like to sleep, who’s the Alpha of the group and who gets picked on by the bigger kitties, and where each one likes to be scratched. Every cat has a unique personality, and you have to know what makes them tick, what calms them down, and who likes to be picked up and snuggled as opposed to ignored until he jumps on the keyboard.

Discerning Tastes:

Sure, all the cats get cat food. However, you have to at least occasionally break out the tuna and sardines, or you just don’t love them enough!

Speaking the Language:

Do you talk to your cats? Do they talk back?

If the answer is “yes” to both, you just might be certifiable…as a Crazy Cat Lady, of course!

To be sure, ask yourself if you know what they’re saying when they mewl, meow, yowl, and screech at you. If you can translate every peep, you’re definitely in the club.

Dress Code:

This one has less to do with the cats, and more to do with your own image. Of course everything you own is covered in cat hair…a lack of this is a sure sign of a poser.

Every Crazy Cat Lady has the confidence to pull off at least one accessory that makes the rest of the world cringe. It doesn’t even have to have a cat paws or Hello Kitty on it.

A few common Cat Lady wardrobe choices include:

• Fuzzy slippers that are worn outside the house…or a fuzzy robe, same rules.
• A tan trench coat, usually paired with a multi-colored fringed scarf.
• A hat. The bigger, the better.
• Big 50’s Hollywood sunglasses, a la Audrey Hepburn.
• A brightly-colored hippie-style tote bag big enough to carry a case of tuna.
• Hair that hasn’t been brushed since dogs ruled.

Debunking Crazy Cat Lady Myths

Crazy Cat Ladies Eat Children:

Nooooo. Crazy Cat Ladies don’t eat children. We don’t particularly like children, since they tend to pull cats’ tails and try to shave them, but we don’t eat them.

They are Truly Crazy:

Eccentric is not crazy. So we talk to our cats. It just so happens that our cats have more personality than most people, are loyal to friends, honest to a fault, and don’t care what we look like.

Any Crazy Cat Lady must be an Old Maid:

Nope. I am happily married to a man who once swore he would never share a home (or a wife) with a cat. We trained him well, and now he’s a perfectly respectable Crazy Cat Man…who longingly visits the puppies at the pound when he thinks we’re not looking.

Crazy Cat Ladies Practice Black Magic:

Ha!!! I wish this were true. I own black cats and have always held out hope that some dark moonlit night would reveal one of them as able to talk and teach me to curse my enemies. I’m still waiting.

All Crazy Cat Ladies Smell Like Cat Poop:

Eww! Seriously, we love the cats…we don’t let them poop on us!!!
My cats courteously “go” outside in a discreet location, and they bury their evidence. That’s more than I can say about the dogs who pee on my trees and leave their droppings in plain sight! My house is clean, and you’ll find that most Crazy Cat Ladies are very well-tended. They chat with their cats and do housework.

They like Baby Talk and Kitty Costumes:

A real Crazy Cat Lady knows that her preciouses would be insulted by baby talk, and that they dispise costumes. Anyone who would treat her babies so condescendingly doesn’t love them enough to be certified in CCL.